Dementia Day

I am feeling so lost and helpless on this journey through elder care with my grandmother. It is such a frustrating ride.

She is now in an assisted living facility with my aunt. My aunt had been living with her at home and helping care for her. In June, she fell and cracked her pelvis. Her doctors have not cleared her to be at home with Grandmama for fear of her re-injuring herself. She is 65 with diabetes and uses a walker on good days. I can see where a deeper injury could be very serious fear.

So, they were apart for over a month, during which they both wanted to be together and to go home. Well, now they are at least together. It would seem like this is a better situation but it is not.

My Grandmother insists she doesn't need any help so she should be able to go home. Then the next minute she complains that the AL staff doesn't help enough. Huh?

She calls me every day - begging, pleading then threatening me - to come get her and take her home. Every day it is a struggle. She won't understand. I am unsure if this is because of her always stubborn and slightly hateful personality or if it is her dementia coming out.

We have struggled with the diagnosis of dementia. We (the family) feel that this is a label the doctors gave her to cover themselves and help the state with their case of conservatorship. Some of the behavior they say shows signs of dementia is just the way she is. She has never liked actual medical care. She has never felt doctors orders applied to her.

There are some increasing moments of what is best termed forgetfulness. She seems to get some dates mixed up, some people/events. But she is 86. There's a lot to remember. Some of her other behavior just seems like a more enhanced version of herself. She has always had a meaner streak. She likes to bring people down. She has never had hobbies. She is not one of those cookie baking Grandmas.

It is still hard to listen to her rants. I don't take them personally but they do make me angry. Angry that she has to act this way. Angry that there is truly nothing that can make her feel better. Angry that there is no right answer. Talking to her feels like someone has ripped my spine out and is twisting it like a wet towel. I can't handle this stress!!!

Grow Up

Today, the most irritating part of this caregiving process is having my sister react negatively when being told that once I have conservatorship over our Grandmother, she will not be getting all the "free" cash hand outs she has become accustomed to.

I find it irritating that some people refuse to grow up. Some people don't seem to see anything wrong with continually mooching off of other. But when confronted about her ways, she talks about how how it is for her to ask for help and how worthless it makes her feel.

Bullsh*t!

I'm pretty sure that if I was embarrased about a behavior or a certain behavior made me feel like crap, I would try to do everything in my power to not put myself in that situation. This is not my sister's way. She blows every cent she gets on her own. Just this week, she spent all her daughter's child support on clothes for herself. Now she has to ask for money to pay for her daughter's birthday party. That "degrading" behavior could have been avoided by not buying clothes. But I guess it's easier to "humiliate" yourself than let yourself go without and do the responsible thing.

I just find this routine exhausting. I do believe that she should not go through life waiting for others to bail her out. She is perfectly capable of keeping a job but yet she never does. She knows she has a safety net. I think it's time for the net to be yanked out of place.

Wheeeee!

Family Ties - Up in Knots Usually

It's been a while. A lot has been going on. I'll try to start sharing. I think it will help.

First, let's start with a little background. To say there are some problems in my family tree would be a vast understatement. Our issues go pretty close to the roots. Right now, we have been having problems with our older family members. I've decided getting old really sucks in many ways.

As I've always been the responsible one, a lot of responsibilities have obviously shifted to me, despite the fact that my mother and aunt are still in the picture. In some ways, they are problems in the pictures themselves. To say that all this has put a strain on my immediate family is putting it mildly.

Recently we had a birthday party for our darling daughter. Let's just say it was not the happy, relaxing weekend I was hoping for. I had actually been looking forward to my in-laws coming and bringing some sanity to our home. Due to circumstances caused by my family, not relating to me, but in some ways completely involving me, everyone managed to get pissed off, especially my husband and his parents. I guess I should have been firmer with my family but I always have trouble with that, because, after all they are family and like them or not they still belong to you.

Flash forward a month or so. Now it's time for my birthday. I got my annual present in the mail from my in-laws with one vast exception. Instead of a loving card with a message signed Mom and Dad, I get a generic card signed with their actual names. This may not seem like much but it has really hurt me. For 16 years, every card has been signed Mom and Dad. Now apparently we are back on first name only basis.

This really just reflects everything in my life right now. I have so many more jobs and am failing so miserably at all of them. Now I can add daughter-in-law to my list of failures. I always thought during rough times people are supposed to be more sympathetic. I am finding this is not always the case. Sometimes when you really need someone to lift you up, even in the little ways, they feel more constructive tearing you down.