Friday, October 23, 2009

Random Thoughts

1) When in our lives do we stop feeling like we are in kindergarten? She's my friend today. You're not fun anymore. She's hogging all the crayons. I can do this because I want to. Apparently that poster about "everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten" is not correct. I'm starting to think no one learned anything.

2) If it's called social media, why does it always leave me feeling more disconnected than ever before? I think it should be called stalker media instead. I only say this cause I'm totally addicted but like any addiction, it doesn't make me feel good about myself.

3) Does anyone else ever feel like life is just one long to do list? I started thinking the other day about places I wanted to go someday, then realized how difficult it could be to go there (time, money - all those logical constraints). That made me realize how sad that really is, because this is all the life and time we have but there's usually so many must do's that want to's get pushed aside.

4) Despite it being a hard job, I really love being a mom. I wish we could have more kids but again that whole time constraint thing is starting to kick in. I don't think I ever really believed in the biological clock until mine started playing annoying music.

So, in summary, this week I've learned - I have to let things go, I can only do what I can do, I need to think ahead more before I act and maybe it's time to really start doing the things I want to do. Cause this is the only life we've got - so we've got to make it good.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Why is it so hard?

Why does it feel like being a mother is the hardest job in the world? No matter what you do, it's always wrong. Take tonight's happenings for example: All I want is to get the house clean. Not really clean, just the appearance of clean. Darling Princess has pretty much had her way of the house since birth. I am at a point where I need a little order. That plus lots of strangers will be coming our way tomorrow.

I wasn't asking for much. But I got even less. Granted Princess has ADHD and does get easily distracted. So I guess when I say to pick up her bathroom, technically a few things is picking up. Never mind there were still toys and tons of mostly empty bottles around the tub and random caps on the floor.

I just don't know what it takes to make her realize this is not a good thing. It doesn't seem to bother her, this chaos we live in.

It wasn't just the bathroom. There were other instances. I don't know why when I say "Put those toys away" it translates to "Shove those toys in a pile in corner". Or put these things away means pick up one thing and go onto something else.

So, I got angry. Raised my voice a little. Now I feel like crap. She has a big day tomorrow, has to be up early and I made her sad. I know I shouldn't have gotten angry but it's so hard to repeat, repeat, repeat!

Not to mention the double edged sword of guilt. What choice to make - I know she's just a kid and someday she won't want to play or even worse she'll grow up and have no time to play. But at the same time, if I don't expect her to clean up then I'm teaching her to be irresponsible. But some days it really does seem, even at a young age, that by the time all the have tos actually get done, there is no time for the want tos.

So, now I'm rambling. This is really just for my benefit anyway so it doesn't really matter. I just know that sometimes, this person I love more than anything drives me crazy. And this job, that really is the best I ever had, makes me want to give up. It's hard when there are so many questions and no right answers.